From China (with love) to Trump

Dear Donald,

May I call you Donald? You don’t know me, of course, but I’m an American living in China – you know, that place you enjoy yelling about so much.

Like many Americans, I’ve been watching you for the past year with equal parts amusement, terror, and guilty pleasure. You came out of nowhere (or maybe not) to show those stiff establishment goons what-for, and for that I applaud you. I think a lot of us *love* you in the same way we *love* Heath Ledger’s Joker – it’s hard to tear your gaze away from the wacky-haired agent of chaos promising to burn everything down and give us a better class of criminal.

Of course, that’s not fair. There are plenty of differences between you two:

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Forgive me, Donald. I’m getting off topic. I write to you today hoping you could clear something up for me.

How do you actually feel about China?

I mean, you make most of your clothes here while complaining that China steals our manufacturing jobs, but I suppose that’s pretty standard practice. Besides, you should probably worry about learning to tie your Italian ties before worrying about where yours are made. I know you talk a tough – if vague – game when it comes to U.S.-China trade relations, but you constantly refer to China as “winning and say that their leaders are smarter than oursheck, even when you’re criticizing them you can’t help but say they’re thegreatestat whatever you’re accusing them of. And hey, remember this?

You know what I think, Donnie?

I think you’re running for president in the wrong country. I think you and China were made for each other.

I think you and China should just f@#k and get it over with.

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[no caption necessary or desired]

[尊敬的中国朋友们: 这是一部讽刺。美国和中国当然有好的特点和坏的特点。我的意思就是我们两国最恶心的特点是关联的;请原谅我!]

Please, just hear me out – I think you’ve got a lot of potential as the next Son of Heaven.

Consider your immigration policies. Look, I get it – you’re not racist. You just want the bad ones out and a stricter screening process ensuring we get the best the world has to offer. The losers in the American media might call your ideas xenophobic, poisonous, or eerily similar to the rise of Nazi Germany, but the Chinese leadership would have your back! In fact, just last week they announced a new *ranking* system that will divide foreigners into three categories of acceptability. It’s all rather vague, but the general consensus seems to be that we foreigners will be awarded points based on various categories like age (young is good), Chinese language proficiency (don’t come here if you don’t speak the language – duh!), and salary (obviously we gotta keep the rich ones here!).

And as long as we’re talking about keeping foreigners out, aren’t you getting sick of people making fun of your border wall? All you want to do is spend enormous amounts of money on – and I’m quoting here –a great wallto keep out unwanted foreigners.

You know who might be down for that? The people who built this f@#king thing. 

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Now, it’s worth pointing out that A.) the foreigners trying to get into China back in the day included the literal Mongol hordes and that B.) it didn’t work, but there’s definitely precedent here. Besides, the people you’re trying to keep out aren’t badass horse archers, they’re just poor people – or as you would call them, morons. No way those losers are getting over your big beautiful wall.

You know what else you and the Chinese government agree on? Refugees. They’ve got a strict non-interference policy over here, which means despite their UNSC status – and the fact that a few hundred thousand refugees would be a drop in the bucket for them – they won’t be reaching for the skittles anytime soon. The last time China took in any significant number of refugees was in 1979 – or to put that another way, when Melania was the kind of 9 or 10 even you wouldn’t want to bang.

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[though you’ve surprised us before]

Look, it’s not just policies – there’s a personal legacy involved here as well. I think it’s shameful how every two-bit paper and tawdry rag in America keeps comparing you to Hitler – I mean, who the hell reads the Washington Post, the New York Times, the Boston Globe, the Chicago Tribune, or Anne Frank’s stepsister by way of Newsweek? We all know that Reductio ad Hitlerum (i.e playing “the Nazi card”) is a logical fallacy even if you do sleep with a book of Adolph’s speeches under your pillow.

No, I think your spirit animal is a dragon, my friend. You’ve got the weird baggy outfits, terrible haircut, tiny hands, and obsession with giant pictures of yourself. You, Mr. Kleinehände, could be the next Chairman Mao!

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Seriously, think about it – Mao wasn’t all bad. Now it’s true that he got a leg up as a result of his father’s wealth, but it took some serious strategy on his part to take down the establishment and rise from the ashes of postwar China as the absolute ruler. He did so by mobilizing the angry and disillusioned peasantry of the nation against the landed elites; and despite the stories of his private life of extreme decadence, he built a nationwide cult of personality for himself that – to some degree – endures to this day despite (mostly accidentally) killing at least 40 million people in four years.

Oh, and did I mention he had four wives?

He also – fun fact – had an undescended testicle and frequent problems with impotenceOn an entirely unrelated note, he wasn’t all that great at handling criticism. I bring this up for no particular reason, Donald – just thought you might find it interesting.

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not pictured: insecurities of any kind

And here’s the best part, D-Train: for all the shit you say about China, people actually like you here. A lot of elites like you for the same reason so many of the GOP elders have learned to swallow their pride (or whatever)they’re more worried about Hillary. For all her reputation as a scheming, cold-blooded manipulator, it seems the CPC would rather deal with you than her in a situation where America might be tempted to whine about principles or whatever – like when the Chinese Navy decides to assert their claim of dominance over the entire South China Sea (as a Chinese leader, you’d have a lot less opposition firing on boats that piss you off, you know). They also – for some strange reason – seem to think you’d seriously embarrass America on the world diplomatic stage, which would definitely contribute to the “winning” portion of their scorecard.

Now, I’m sad to say that I don’t personally know any fans of yours over here. When I ask my friends about you, their reactions generally range from “who’s that?” to “oh dear god, no.” I guess I should expand my circle of friends. But the good news is, I know for a fact you’ve got lots of fans in the PRC.

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[I have so many questions for this man]

You’ve got your people who don’t understand that your self-made-billionaire narrative is bullshit, the rich dudes who love the idea of bouncing from supermodel to supermodel, the people who just want to see America taken down a few pegs, and the people who are so obsessed with status in China’s current consumption-teenagehood that they actually look at your piece of shit gold-plated bankrupt-casino-having compensation towers and are tricked into thinking they’re seeing something classy. 

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You know, it may seem like I’m giving the Chinese a lot of grief. And obviously I am. But do you know why – very very broadly speaking – China has so many problems right now, at least by our standards? Why they have this authoritarian government and widespread corruption and crazy environmental problems and human rights violations and so on and so forth?

Because they are LITERALLY in the process of Making China Great Again. 

And I do mean literally. China was the center of global civilization for a long time – then they went through a decline that culminated in the Great Leap Forward and Cultural Revolution, and now they’re building back up to “Great.” Again. Not necessarily a point of normative philosophical “good,” but Great. As in, “God is Great” and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did Great things — terrible, yes, but Great.” You know, the actual meaning of the word. 60 years ago, tens of millions of Chinese people were eating vomit, boiled leaves, and each other in a desperate attempt to stay alive in the midst of the worst man-made famine of all time. 50 years ago, kids were dragging teachers and intellectuals out in the streets and beating them to death because their cult leader needed to demonize his political enemies. 

Now – just a few decades later, they’ve got the second largest economy on earth, they’ve pulled more people out of poverty than anyone, and they’ve got millions of middle-class people who can go abroad and waste their money in Donald Trump’s hotels. I feel that China rarely gets the credit it truly deserves for pulling one of the biggest and fastest U-turns of all time, but it was – and in many ways, still is – an ugly process with very little room for idealism. I can respect that. The current leaders may not be saints, but they inherited a crazy situation that most of us wouldn’t have any idea how to handle. 

America isn’t perfect, Mr. Trump. Far from it. But it is – by all technical definition – great. The framework and institutions and precedents required to get things done while adhering to at least some kind of genuine set of values are all there. Thus far, Americans have reaped the rewards of participating in one of the most successful political experiments in human history. We don’t need you to Make America Great Again. Frankly, we’d be happy if you would consider stopping short of burning the place down.

And when you do lose, please don’t actually come to China. We don’t want you here, either.

P.S. If you’re curious about all the blue words, those are what some haters and losers are calling “sources.”

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