happy 67th birthday, china

Usual DisclaimerChina, you’re great. I engage in this kind of good-natured ribbing because I know you always take it in stride. After all, it’s an awfully big country that knows how to laugh at itself.

please don’t deport me.

As you may be aware, China is currently celebrating 国庆节, the weeklong national holiday. It’s like the Fourth of July; but instead of getting drunk and grilling, everyone has to go back to their hometown and get criticized for being insufficiently married, child-having, or house-owning (seriously, it’s so stressful that there’s an app for renting out fake boyfriends/girlfriends to introduce to parents on the major holidays).


[you can’t make this shit up]

The PRC was founded in 1949, meaning that Mao’s baby has grown up into a charming yet cranky 67-year-old. And like many old dudes, it threatens its neighbors, harbors old-timey racist ideas, and emits strange gasses we’d prefer not to think about.


[jfc grandpa. no more beans for you]

But hey, 67 years ain’t bad, especially for a single-party government dealing with the largest population on earth.

Of course, that’s not the number that the Chinese (and seemingly everyone else) like to throw around. As President/Premier/Party Chief/Head Honcho/Big Cheese Xi Jinping is quick to remind us, the Chinese nation has 5,000 years of development and civilization to be proud of. Personally, I find this more than a little tough to swallow.


[amused reflection: as of now, the site is not censored]

Now, despite the burning desire to maintain my usual high blogging standards – shut up – I’m currently on a 40-hour train ride to Xinjiang and there’s a kid who keeps coming up to me and yanking the hair on my arms before yelling to his parents that the foreigner has fur.

So here’s what’s gonna happen; rather than taking the high road and trying to thoughtfully explain why it’s silly for China to claim 5,000 years of history, I’m headed straight down the low road. Namely, I’m going to spend the next 30-odd hours and my limited wikipedia access coming up with a list of 67 things that are older than the People’s Republic of China. Enjoy!

  1. Chocolate Chip Cookies
  2. Superman
  3. Batman
  4. Radio and Radar
  5. Mormons
  6. Jazz
  7. Disney
  8. Universal Pictures
  9. TV
  10. Movies
  11. The Winter Olympics
  12. The World Series
  13. The NFL
  14. FIFA
  15. Winnie the Pooh
  16. White Castle
  17. Frozen Food
  18. Microwaves
  19. Tupperware
  20. Cardboard
  21. Velcro
  22. The Hell’s Angels
  23. Alcoholics Anonymous
  24. The Academy Awards
  25. Jeremy Irons
  26. Al Gore
  27. Rick James
  28. Wolf Blitzer
  29. Aspirin
  30. North Korea
  31. South Korea
  32. The Constitution of New Jersey
  33. Singapore
  34. New Zealand
  35. Democratic Elections in Italy
  36. The United States of America
  37. The United Kingdom
  38. Every U.S. President
  39. Hillary Clinton
  40. Donald Trump
  41. Yellowstone Park
  42. Light Bulbs
  43. Coca-Cola
  44. The Periodic Table
  45. Revolvers
  46. Dynamite
  47. Nuclear Weapons
  48. Gone with the Wind
  49. The Wizard of Oz
  50. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
  51. Casablanca
  52. Citizen Kane
  53. King Kong
  54. Frankenstein and Dracula (the books)
  55. Frankenstein and Dracula (the movies)
  56. The Theory of Evolution
  57. The Suez Canal
  58. The Statue of Liberty
  59. The Eiffel Tower
  60. Big Ben
  61. Slinkys
  62. Frisbees
  63. Electric Razors
  64. Planes
  65. Trains
  66. Automobiles
  67. Kenyon College (this probably only matters to me)

Happy birthday, China. Stay humble.

One Reply to “happy 67th birthday, china”

  1. #67 should matter to everyone, right?

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